Heartbreak

I have been trying to keep this last few months private or if I am public put on a brave face so people don’t suspect what I am going through. I had been struggling last few months to figure out what I wanted to do with things, and it has been so hard. Only do very close friends of mine and family know the true reason I left social media for awhile, even on my private social media. This might be long blog and hard one for me to complete but I feel like in order for me to move on, I need to do this. Also, for whomever I end up dating down road it is only fair that I publicly say what I am about to say.

I met Dicky Johnson in November of 2014 on the set of Trans Men Adventures 2: Men At Work. It was only months after my husband (of over six years) passed away. I was trying to deal with a big move back to Texas, and trying to complete this DVD as the success of TMA was a hit I had to follow up with another. Ever since I met James Darling years ago I had always been attracted to trans guys, but never seen myself with one. Well, I was married so that was one reason, but when he passed I still didn’t picture myself with a trans guy. I actually pictured myself single for the rest of my life. I was ready to deal with that. Also, before the success of TMA I was seriously considering retiring from the adult industry; then trans guys changed that for me. I had this new renewed energy for the adult world. I felt like I could change the face of trans porn again, this time in a totally new direction. I really didn’t know how I was going to do that, or when I would do it. After meeting Dicky, I enjoyed his company, we laughed a lot and I loved his smart ass take on the world. He was also very gentle on the eyes, it just blew my mind this was a trans guy. He was so much a guy and I don’t say that to offend anyone, but you have to remember I had only been with cis men throughout my life. He was like all the cis guys I had ever dated. He reminded me of my brothers, and it was refreshing. I still didn’t see myself being romantic with him. He had just got out of a long relationship, and my husband had just passed away. He was early in his transition and I was way into mine. Plus, I thought he was out of my league. Why would a hot guy like him want me? I still had low self esteem because this industry was brutal to me. I never had low self esteem till I entered into porn. When people tell you daily that you are ugly because you are fat, it can break a person down.

One day in December (I can remember it, like it was yesterday.), it was a Saturday I was laying in the bathtub and I get a text from Dicky saying, “Hey, you want to talk on the phone? I am bored.” I replied with, “Sure!” And that is when the friendship really started. Everyday we texted each other, and talked on phone for up to five or more hours. We laughed a lot, learned so much about one another’s up bringing, family, past relationships, etc. Here was this amazing person that I felt like had become my best friend in a time I really needed a friend. I could talk about my husband and he would let me get out emotions I needed to. I loved talking to someone about everything, I felt like I was a teenager again. I looked forward to our talks and text messages back and forth to each other.

Christmas Eve came around and I knew I probably wouldn’t talk to him because we both were doing family stuff, but in the middle of my family function I got a call from him. He had to tell me something and that turned into hours talking on the phone with his family right there in front of him as they played games and laughed about things. It was almost like I was in the room with them. Fast forward to New Years Eve, we both decided we were going to stay home and just celebrate on phone. We spoke the whole night, when it became midnight on the East Coast, we counted down and he told me make a wish. My wish that night was to have him forever as my own. He then asked me, “What did you wish for?” I replied with, “To have you as my own.” I had been falling for him, he gave me butterflies and made me feel so happy. I had a smile on my face everyday. He changed me, and I loved it. He responded with, “You need to make another wish because you already have me.” That right there shocked me. He felt the same way I did. He made me feel beautiful, in a time when I had been beaten down so much from people.

In January 2015, I was suppose to go to NYC to shoot more of Trans Men Adventures 2. The guy I was to shoot with bailed on me and I had this trip, so I went a few days to NYC and then I took a Megabus to Philadelphia and spent remainder of my time with Dicky to find if this really was something or was it just on phone. We found out there was something and it was nice. We made our first public appearance as a public couple at Transgender Erotica Awards (TEA) and everyone knew. When he was leaving that amazing weekend together (which was Valentines too) he told me that he loved me. Wow, I was so lucky. I had a handsome man who made me feel so amazing and I felt so much love for him back.

We spent 2015 together a lot, I would fly out and spend a month with him and his family and then come home a few months and go back. We went on trips to NYC, Toronto and Jersey together as a couple. We had so much fun and we were in love. We even documented our love in Fifty Shades Of A Tranny. You can watch that and see the love, it wasn’t acting it was raw and real. I was on cloud nine, and we started talking about the future. We spoke about marriage, buying a house together in Texas, and all that good stuff. In the mean time we were building this amazing company that I never dreamed of. People loved seeing our new FTM site and DVDs. We were changing the landscape of trans porn and the FTM niche. We had become the power couple in the adult industry that I had really only seen in straight cis porn. People were respecting us as business people, trans guys were sending us messages about what we were doing and cis women loved our work. It was so different from my first years in the adult world, trying to navigate what was right for my brand.

Fast forward to October 2015, Dicky had his hysterectomy and I was there to help him through it. It was Halloween and I felt like there was a shift in our relationship but I was in denial. That night we broke up, he told me he wanted to be with men. I just checked out then, the next day I didn’t leave his room but to eat, his family knew something was up. I had a few more days left there and I was just ready to go home. I wanted out, I hated this man and didn’t want to be around him. That was my instinct but I was one of these people who tried to fix people. I tried to fix my husband who was an alcoholic, which eventually killed him. I thought this is just a phase Dicky is going through, he will miss me and want me back, kinda like that Sam Hunt song, Make You Miss Me. After a few days I said lets just kinda open our relationship, really up and let him explore his options. The reality of it was, I didn’t want to let go and he didn’t want to hurt me so he agreed. We really should of ended our relationship that night in October. I couldn’t, I was so worried about what my family would think, our fans would think if the perfect couple was no longer together. How would our business be so successful? Stupid things that I should of not put in front of my emotions.

We spent Christmas and New Years together, we tried to make it work but the reality was he was checked out and I was holding on to something that wasn’t going to happen. We just kept holding on by a thread till TEA Awards to make our public appearance and maybe then it be over. But somewhere in my heart I would hope he missed me enough to want me. That wasn’t the case. In March at TEA Awards weekend, I was like in a fog/daze, and I really shouldn’t of been there. I was pretending everything was perfect when it wasn’t. While getting ready for the awards it came to blows and we ended it for good. Only hours before we were to walk the red carpet as a couple, hours before I was to walk on the stage to pump up the crowd. I had to put on this face of “I am okay!” When inside I was hurting so bad. People that night or that weekend may of not even known what I was going through. Even Dicky had a hard time with it, because he knew he hurt me. Why I think he got drunk that night so easy. It was the only way for him to deal with what we were going through. We fought our first fight that night after the awards. We never fought in our relationship. He has since said to me I might of been the perfect person for him but he’s not attracted to me like he is with men. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. Really hard to know the man you love doesn’t feel the same about you because you don’t look like what he really is into. When I was 18 and doing drag in Houston at Latin bars my friend had me do this Paulina Rubio number (cant think of the name of it, at all), it was about a woman whose husband leaves her for being gay. She tries so hard to win him back that she dresses like a man, changes things to try to win him back. I felt like that was me after October, I started to lose weight, hit the gym so much thinking that if I got my body in an amazing shape he would fall for me again. Biggest mistake, even though I am glad I did it, and I love where I am, it was the wrong reason.

After the awards I went home and my world changed. Dicky stopped texting me like he once did. No more “I love you’s,” no more “Good morning” text (it was like that Annie Lenox song No More I Love You’s). It was really over and that is when I had to face something I never really faced, the loss of my husband. Here I sit in my room alone with two men who left me. One physically left me because his demons got so bad that he turned to alcohol to try to cure him and then the one man I felt was my true soulmate. Who was going to love a 35 year old, trans woman who does porn? Every trans guy I was attracted to was either far away, into men, cis women or taken. I was like how the hell would I ever find a guy I wanted in my life. I had to disappear, I had to deal with myself. I had to find myself and process things and learn to let go of what I couldn’t control. I felt like for so long I could of prevented my husband death. I felt like I could of changed Dicky. I had to stop all that and really focus on myself, my emotions and just let it all out. I did.

Dicky is my best friend, someone that I love and care for and will always be there for him. We have since started to rebuild our friendship, as I am to a point that I am ready to move on with my life. He saved my life in a time that needed to be saved. He made me a better person, he let me see that I can love and be loved again. He also, showed me that I am beautiful and that some man out there will see the same. I learned that I really want to be with a trans guy and grow old with one and share a life with one. Through out all this I realized that my future partner, has to understand my work and me. I don’t want our relationship public, I want it private. I just want to be happy and find a guy who makes me laugh and smile. I am opening myself to the idea of finding that guy and in the meantime I am going to keep focusing on my health and fitness. I just feel that I need to close this chapter of my life, so that my future one can move on its only fair.

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